The other evening, I was about to make dinner and found myself thinking that I couldn’t even cook well anymore. It had been a discouraging week. Things I had been working toward weren’t going the way I hoped, I had been sick, and somehow all of that had followed me into the kitchen. By dinner time, I wasn’t only worried about what wasn’t working. I was wondering whether I was capable anymore.
I made salmon, mussels, bell pepper and rice. There wasn’t much left in the fridge, so I knew I’d have to go for groceries the next day. And dinner was pretty yummy. My husband was assembling a new coffee cabinet for my birthday, Amelia kept smiling, and I felt calmer.
Later, when I wrote about the evening, those were the details I wanted to keep. Nothing I had been worrying about was suddenly solved. But I could think about what needed fixing without feeling that every part of me had gone wrong along with it. Even my cooking had somehow become evidence against me, when all I’d really had was a hard week.
I wonder if you’ve had an evening like that. Something you’ve put a lot into doesn’t work out, and the disappointment comes along while you make dinner, answer a message, or do the next thing someone needs. Before you notice it, “that didn’t go well” has turned into “I’m not good at anything anymore.” It becomes hard to see yourself clearly through it.
When you spend so much of your day looking after people and keeping things moving, it’s easy to go straight to the next task. I had dinner to make. There were groceries to think about. Meanwhile, I was having a difficult time too, and that deserved some attention before I asked myself to keep going.
This feels like part of making room for ourselves that I want to get better at. I don’t always need to work out how to do more or get back to the person I used to be. Sometimes I need to notice that I’m discouraged and be a little more careful with what I decide about myself in that moment.
So this week, when I catch myself saying “everything,” I want to try making the problem smaller and more specific: “The thing that needs attention is…” Perhaps it’s one result, a conversation I need to have, or something I need help figuring out. Then I want to ask, “What would help me feel supported while I deal with it?”
The answer might be talking it through with someone, asking for help with dinner, or leaving the problem alone for the evening and coming back tomorrow. I don’t know that I’ll remember to ask every time. But it feels like a kinder place to begin than asking myself why I can’t manage everything better.
And I don’t want the lesson from that evening to be that I cooked a good dinner, so I was doing okay after all. If dinner had gone badly too, I would still have needed rest and kindness. You don’t have to find something you’ve done well before you’re allowed to need those things.
By the end of the evening, I could say that some things weren’t working and I wanted to fix the problems. That felt much more possible than trying to fix all of me. If you’ve had a hard week too, I hope you can give yourself a little of that room before Monday arrives.
What would help you feel supported this week? If you feel like telling me, I’d love to hear.
One clear move at a time,
Meagan
P.S. If you’d like a little help choosing where to begin, you can try a two-minute Velani practice here, without signing up. I hope it gives you a small pause to choose one thing for yourself before the week gets going.